Rummy Nation

I hate gambling. I don’t know whether I was born as Yudhisthira in my former birth and lost my wife Panchali in gambling. Now gambling is also there, wife is also there! But time has changed!!

In Kolkata Office, we used to play rummy with others in our office club betting money. Though I resented playing, my friends always carried me to the rummy table as if for my funeral. I was eventually buried. It’s not that I was a novice in rummy. It’s just that lady luck never came near me fearing my wife. When I got good cards, they wouldn’t play. When they got good cards, I played and got thrashed. Because my proficient rummy partners read my face like a cartoon book but kept their faces like zombies. I played by wearing a mask. But my body language on getting good cards acted like a dog’s tail in front of its master who had chicken in his hands. I played by concealing my whole body under burkha like a Muslim lady. But my mind voice was so loud, I made the deaf to hear. So I was always beaten into pulp. Luckily they didn’t play betting on my belongings. Otherwise I would have been reduced to my single piece swimsuit often. When my accolades spread and rummiers from nearby offices started to pour in, It was time to take transfer to Chennai to escape them. But here my friends breathe and thrive on hearts and spades.

Rummy should be our national game as majority of Indians play card games like 28, 3 Cards or rummy. Microsoft added MS Excel for Americans, MS Word for Chinese and FreeCell & Solitaire for Indians.

Rummy has health benefits! When I don’t get rummy while playing, I start sweating, my heart pounds and blood rushes similar to jogging. As I try to peep into others’ cards, my eyesight improves by notches. As I am alert to others’ swearings, my hearing capacity improves. It teaches you how to be expert in body language and control my facial expressions. The latter one is very useful when your boss tear you apart in front of your juniors. Here I see experts who have developed ESP power by playing rummy. They foresee my cards and my future as well. Rummy improves team spirit when coupled with real spirit as they are independently dependent on each other!

Rummy motivates you to convert small failures into stepping stones to victory. If you don’t read it well, it may well be your grave stone. I have ordered mine in granite.

Rummy is the father of all superstitions. Here people prefer same place, same costumes and same liquor brand to continue the winning streak. I tried special poojas, palmistry and parrot astrology. Still all the good stars lose their reputation when supporting me.

Time to take transfer again.

My First Birthday......

          Yesterday was my birthday.  The celestial event came back again without much difference.  I woke up in the morning as usual.  No one shouted as "It’s a boy, IT's A BOY".  No fanfare or cut outs.   There wasn't a single nurse to give me bath.  So I took my own bath !  Prayed to God.  Because When I was born in 1973, Bruce Lee died.  When I turned one SN Bose died and it went on.

          I have never cut a cake on my birthday.  Why should I blow and spit on the cake and give it to everyone. I wanted to cut a cake only after accomplishing something and I am a young boy who has a lifetime ahead to achieve.

         But this year I was compelled to spit on the cake alongwith my colleague and wonderful friend Mr.Pradeep who sadly shares his birthday with mine. He is a large man with larger heart.  He is such a divine who appreciate all my blogs. Even if I write a blog like 1, 2, 3, 3, 4, 5, 5,   He will laugh boisterously and say “Why Ashok, did you fail in 3rd and 5th Standards  !!”. So when he stood near me the happiness was doubled rather tripled due to his size !!!   So we were like “two peas in a pod” no don't think “two pees in a pond”.  He is like a saint who loves everyone.  Only condition is that they are to be women.  He is getting kinder and kinder.  At this rate, I may propose to him sooner or later.  Together we can prove that “Two wrongs can make it right!”.

           My friend is as young as ‘Everest”.  So when they decided to order a birthday cake for both of us, they ordered the cake from “Cakewaves” and candles straight from the factory.  When all the candles were lighted, the airport was like the place for candles peace march and Chennai clocked its highest temperature. We put off the candles with a blower.

            I had always wanted to age like wine, tastier and better.  At least would have loved to remain as honey, unchanged. But it seems I am ageing like garbage.  My body is ballooning and eye sights are retracting. My memory was always at the rock bottom. Now it is digging deeper and my…  mm.. never mind.

            I sincerely thank my colleagues for their speech,  arranging the party and burning a hole in their pant pockets !

            I thank all the well wishers who are happy to see us getting old.  Hearty thanks to one and all.

Hairy Problems….

Being Humane or  He-man is easier than being a man especially ‘young’ man. 

Being humane is easy as all you have to do is to wear the slogan T-shirt and shoot the deer and Being He-man is also easier as you are not to take haircut but wear a metal brief. But being young man is impossible like keeping the women quiet for an hour.

Men faces many important battles like fighting men for women and fighting women for women. Among those problems, hair greying is the second hardest battle. First one of course is "balding" which will shed in other article.  While balding is nothing but growth of hair downward i.e excess beard and moustache, greying on the other hand is maturity of hair ahead of the person!

When your hair starts to fade and when the female genre start calling you ‘uncle’, that word will shake your world and cause heart attack.  This is the main reason for heart attacks among men.  

It is important to dye.  Check TV Ads...

If you don't dye, your wife will not come out shopping with you. Children won't talk and neighbourhood fellow will call you 'Uncle'.

If you dye, all will sing and dance around you.

Dyes change a grandpa to ‘bro’ in a jiffy. If Godrej hadn't sold dyes, many Indian women would have gone for divorce. That's the reason saloons loot more money like Vijay Mallya. To escape them you have to be either bald i.e blessing in disguise or Sardar ji  i.e disguise in blessing.  I am planning to become a Sardar ji. 

Our national Sunday duty is dyeing when grandpa, grandma, father and mother sit together for a session of family dyeing.

When moustache start to fade within 4 days after dyeing like husbands' lies and we get furious like seasoned wives. Desperate times need desperate measures.  Maskara, eyeliners and dark pencils stand for us. 

North Indians use different colours widely and one can see red heads, rangoli heads and wooden heads. Some come out as if they had played holi on the saloon.

In South, People prefer black alone as they don't want others to know.   They will happily reveal national secrets but not dyeing secrets.

Luckily we had shed all the body hair from our Gorilla ancestors. Otherwise we can dye only in dyeing tanks used for fabrics.

You can become a modern Artist, if you dye regularly, as the strokes are same!  

If snow white heads suddenly turn as black as Tar especially the forehead and sideburns and if dogs bark or children weep on seeing you, it is better to change the dye.

Choose your dye more carefully than you choose your wife as it kills slower.  But you got the liberty to change to other company die or have two three company dies at the same time.

Go for popular brands who advertise a lot like Modi ji and preferably foreign brands.  Don't fall for “Make in India" campaign or else you will roam as if born to ration card and aadhar card photo.

Vote for SUN...

           Last week I underwent Master health up and found no extra groceries of Sugar or salt in my body to feel proud or boast of. Not even air pressure or blood pressure. When all my friends discuss Insulin and Storvas, I feel left out. I am going to be alone after all my friends pass away!

           Doctor told me that nowadays more and more people are getting affected by Vitamin D deficiency. Reason : Not getting enough sun light. How can it happen in Chennai! God's mother in law land !!

          Means people are not playing outside but have downloaded jogging and walking Apps for exercising. Or must've been stuck up with Fb and Whatsapp. So after liking this post, please go out in the sun and continue to browse. Because We will never know when wife goes missing but will immediately know when Wifi is missing. 
 

          Take plenty of Vitamin D rich foods. Drink milk like a calf or Dhoni. Go nuts over nuts. Eat all type of fishes. Don't bother about it's names. Salmon, swordfish, mackerel. What the heck! As Shakespeare said, "A Fish by any other name would taste as sweet". Other Vitamin D rich foods are Cod liver Oil, Tofu, Fortified cereals and Caviar. If you don't understand any of these, Stand outside. 

          For Tamil Nadu Public, It's time Complan and Horlicks companies come out with Vitamin D powder that can be mixed with spirits. 

          Cheers.

Parade days...

         

          The five days crash course on parade for Republic Day was happily concluded on Jan 26.  Being the Parade Commander, I put in my best efforts sincerely and had developed a few more friends who are now happy to send me back to Kolkata. This Parade consisted of the most difficult contingent I have ever trained.  At the end of the crash course, I "passed out" as I had developed all type of pains like physical strain and mental drain except labour pain.  I still don't know whether I paraded them or they paraded me.  I have even developed a seventh sense called 'nonsense". The ironies felt were...

1.  They came in white uniform if you agree milky white, vanila white and ujaala white are the same with wrinkles as in the face of English bull dog.  

2.  One person came to the parade with more hair than my wife. 

3.  Many came from docks night duty with bloodshot eyes and my first thought was to to hug and cry as I myself went after airport night duty.

4.  Some wore the name tab and brooch on the opposite sides but the award went to the one who wore the epaulettes in the opposite direction.

5.  Many were of my father's age and I was confused whether to call out "Parade Sowthan" or "Parents Sowthan". When they walked to the beat, earth dithered, music drums tremored and the contingent actually shivered. 

6.  My first whole day went on explaining which is 'dhainey' (right) and 'baye' (left). But When I gave the command to turn, they always turned to all sides and settled like Navagraha statues in Siva temple. Second day when I went there, for a second, I wondered whether I had   gone to the adjoining Collector Office as the whole contingent was different as I used to get new contingents daily.  Again I went on to preach left, right, north, South. As they always had doubts on right turn and left turn.  I made it simple.  While going to Flag post only Right turn was given and while coming back only Left turn. And it worked.

7.  The tapping sound on the command Sowthan never came together and ultimately I had to tell them to stamp their feet without a single sound. And We got it together!

8.  They were so patriotic.  When the "Salami Sasth" was given they automatically saluted along with me.  As only the Commander has to salute and all others are to remain in attention, I had to beg them to stop saluting. Except that they were consistently inconsistent. 

9.  When they marched even the Chief Guest held his breath.

10.  When the flag hoisting was  success, My Parade in charge wanted to recommend my name for "Bharath Ratna".  I politely declined.

At least they got their independence from me. As I am appointed as the permanent Parade Commander, I am waiting for mine.

Press 1 for WIVES

North Indians believe that the blessing of transgenders come true.

           Yesterday I saw them near tollgate. One person was like a model and I was overawed. If 'Wishing well' had been nearby, I would have thrown a dime and wished!? Then she came towards me in a zigzag walk "tap" "tap"ed near my face twice and said "Give me 10 rupees Sir" in a salt paper voice.  Luckily wishing well was not there. Otherwise next time when you cross that tollgate, you would have seen me tap, tapping. I gave her money like a 3G spectrum accused and talked to her politely as I always talk before spotting the hidden gold in the passenger.  When I told her that I am the overall in charge of the International Airport, Chennai, She was overawed. She shared her problem and I poured my problem (Night Crawlers part I and II). She told me that I was the most important person and I couldn't help remembering my Boss who always tells me the same till end of the shift. She mocked me to marry her.  I assured him/her that I will be back if I am ever kicked out by my wife which may not be far away seeing the way I express here. When we departed with tearful eyes and heavy heart, she blessed me as
" Have a happy long life with WIVES and children". 

WIVES?!

         I am confused now. Because did she actually bless me or curse me by wishing "WIVES"?

          I can go on a 'marrying spree' and honour the belief of north Indians or I can act against her noble (!) wish by not marrying and break the myth of north Indians thereby causing havoc in their hearts. I am at the crucial stage of my life to go with or against millions of people!

             Supposing that their wishes always come true...

            Dragging the life with one wife or husband itself is a lifetime achievement for anyone. In this context, how can I live with multiple wives happily that too a long life or will the life look to be long if I marry exponentially? Wife is the centre/epicentre of any house as she always stands on her husband, the brick, all the time.

          Is there any guidance book from Rapidex like "How to live happily with multiplying  wives"? Or   Can any experienced man "cast the first stone?" 

Is there a "Pariharam" i.e remedy for averting this impending disaster ?

         If it's true? 

           Then how many does the plural term of "wives" actually denote? Two or more?  Will I be blessed with 350 wives like Dasaratha or Sixteen  thousand wives  like Krishna?    With  16,500 wives  I will  be  like "Owners Pride, Neighbour's Envy". 

         Shall I give ad like "Wives needed. Colour, height, weight no bar.  Married, Divorcee, single, double no problem.  Indian, African, Martian no issues.  Bridegroom works in the International airport for the last 6 months. At what time he works and at what time he sleeps is not yet clear. Earns handful and talks mouthful.

         Should I have to lease a building like Airport for residence or live under a shamiana?  Should I pay house tax or corporation tax? 

         16,500 ladies under one roof.  Won't rest of the Tamil Nadu go deaf?   Will anyone  ever invite me "with family" to their function? There won't be any family photo in my life only family movie.

       In the brighter side, I can have my own cricket teams, Wife Wars and family marathon with my offspring. My family will become the new taluk under Tamil Nadu State and I will be the independent MLA as well and fight for "We Two, Ours Nil" Plan like every politician does. I will take one cylinder per wife and surrender the remaining wives I mean cylinders. Can you find six differences between these two?

       I thought for long, convinced myself and took the bold step to marry for the sake of helping 16,500 girls.  Suddenly the thought of 16500 MOTHERS IN LAW  doomed on me.

        Now I have sworn to live with my One and Only Wife Full Stop