War With Watermelon...

War with Watermelon ..

                                     

While the World is confused whether watermelon is fruit or vegetable, I was confused how to choose a good watermelon.  Buying the right one is nowadays more difficult than finding a man who doesn’t advise in Whatsapp. 

I had never bought a good, reddish and tasty watermelon. I was always goaded, admonished and reprimanded by my family for selecting them as yellowish as a Pumpkin. (Can’t you even pick one small watermelon?) In order to avoid this onslaught, I had to find a way.  I decided to catch the bull by its horns. [1]

I daily bought one watermelon to hone my skills. After all it was a war between watermelon and me.  So “Operation Watermelon” began.  I hit the books as the LAST resort as I always do during my academic days !  I found some interesting ways of choosing a watermelons  like...

Knocking the watermelon for the RIPE sound...

I knocked to check them with crooked finger. They all sounded same like tapping my pot belly. But I kept knocking till the shopkeeper told “No one will come out, don’t waste your time”.  Still with the sound I heard, I selected one. Score read 1-0 in favour of watermelon.

Looking for small joints… 

The joint where the watermelon was severed has to be small. I followed it to the book.  I ensured that even the shopkeeper was small.  Still the bloody watermelon was white like custom uniform i.e bit yellowish.  Score 2-0 in favour of “you know who”. (Don’t waste money and time, I will get it from the shop)

Watermelon must be darkish green and yellowish at the place where it laid on the ground…

I carefully followed the rules.  Later I was told that it was a hybrid. (Don’t you even know the difference between the country watermelon and hybrid!!)   Score 3-3. Ok I got it.  3-0.

Watermelon must have large stripes like zebra… 

I tried stripes, checked and printed. But the watermelon remained plain. 

As my maid was getting one watermelon daily, she was using it for facial, playing and eating. She encouraged me to try other fruits as well!

             

Many of the watermelons I handpicked were having wide cracks inside.  On seeing that my family was afraid that I was about to poison them.  The condition of the watermelon was called “hollow heart” but I was broken heart.  (How one crack gets another crack, we don’t know)  [2].

       

  

          In order to win this, I befriended a shopkeeper and offered 10 rupees extra so that he would select the best one for me. Thereafter it was success all the way and I am being applauded as the best selector of watermelon. 

Wikipedia type explanations !

[1]     Later I found that it was not a bull but buffalo.

[2]     My family doesn’t know “Birds of the same feather flock together”!

TITBIT

                              

Some of my daily bickering on my facebook page is given for enlightening the common public, eradication of poverty and education of youth...

Doubt Corner

How come Private companies helpline/complaint nos. come in fancy number for reminding you easily like 8888888888 or 68886888 while Govt helplines come in 7_89#26*9^ ?

Night Vision
Some one told me to count the goats if I don't get sleep. There are 19 goat breeds and 67000 goats in Tamil Nadu. I have counted all of them.   Yet to sleep.
Daily I sleep with my son at night. I feel like swallowed & spat by anaconda in the mornings. Full body pain and wet!
Wetness isn't saliva of course !!  Any guess?!

Women's era...
Every husband must be like Modi ji. Ready to fall at women's feet if one can get some mileage.  I am clocking 100 km pl.

Philosophy corner...
In Whatsapp When I write something on my right side people view them on their left side. When they type something on them right side, I view them on my left side.
Similarly when God does something good for us, we may perceive it wrong. It will take time to realise God's true intention. Don't trust your knowledge. Trust God.

Issued in public Interest...
Today I saw a beautiful girl wearing 4,5 mangal sutras in her neck. I was bit shocked and wondered if it was the latest trend and looked again i.e the mangal sutras. I was relieved to see that the girl was wearing her company ID in a yellow rope that was shredded. So please bloody companywallas don't give yellow rope to the girls to hang (!).  Give them some other colour ropes.

Today's thought....
Drinking a bottle of chilled water after a strenuous workout feels like heaven. Its like confessing to wife when she is in good mood. When both backfires, the elegy begins.

House Order No. 11
As the holiday granted on account of International Women's day is over, all husbands are instructed to join the house for regular duties and to remain submissive and obedient as ever.
Next leave from wives may be granted to the lucky few during Summer holidays and to the rest in Tamil "Aadi" month.

Home Intolerance…
Unlike our villages, It seems impossible to get a maid in these metros. My wife placed many conditions similar to Army recruitment. Maid has to be punctual, Orderly, must do the job cleanly, should not gossip, not to demand more likewise.
My condition was only one and simple one.  “she has to be pretty”.  It was never met.

Doubt Corner....
I think all Sriharikota rockets and satellites are linked with fiber optic cables through our street or another Harappa site is found here. They keep digging and digging. When we reach the other end, Tamil Nadu will fight for water with America as well.

Curse Continues...
UPSIDC branch of State Bank of India (SBI) in Kanpur has credited over Rs 95,000 cr into a poor woman’s bank account making her panicky- News.
I am also going and coming to SBI branch with Rs.2000 as balance. I don't know why these bad things never happen to me and make me PANICKY!!

# WWF Champs
Women are loving, caring, self sacrificing, gentle and awesome given the role of sister, daughter, wife and mother. Give them the role of MOTHER IN LAW, well they are in a different league altogether.


Office agonies…
In any department, smokers mingle like rum and water and become long last brothers immediately. We are the only aliens who could neither mingle nor separate. After all Smoking causes friendship.

Confusion Corner...
Last year I paid Rs.10200/- and brought academic books for my children. Today I sold them to old paper man for Rs.200. Remaining 10'000 I wanted to credit in my children's knowledge account. But my son insists to show them in wastage account. He must be right.

Queue thoughts...
Whatsapp and Facebook reduce the length of queue, wherever we stand.

Doubt corner…

*   When Indians complete air travel, Why do they never remove the baggage destination tag till reaching their remote hometown? Do they ever remove it or always carry them around till it wears off?
*   Why do we celebrate the Indians who achieved some thing big in a foreign country, when they had already left Madame India, obtained foreign citizenship and settled elsewhere? Our press finds out that their father’s 2nd grandmother was Indian.
*   If plucking a white hair from the head produces more white hairs, Will plucking a black hair prop up more black hair?
*   The Impending fall of low hip pants is more dangerous to the wearing men or watching women?

Rummy Nation

I hate gambling. I don’t know whether I was born as Yudhisthira in my former birth and lost my wife Panchali in gambling. Now gambling is also there, wife is also there! But time has changed!!

In Kolkata Office, we used to play rummy with others in our office club betting money. Though I resented playing, my friends always carried me to the rummy table as if for my funeral. I was eventually buried. It’s not that I was a novice in rummy. It’s just that lady luck never came near me fearing my wife. When I got good cards, they wouldn’t play. When they got good cards, I played and got thrashed. Because my proficient rummy partners read my face like a cartoon book but kept their faces like zombies. I played by wearing a mask. But my body language on getting good cards acted like a dog’s tail in front of its master who had chicken in his hands. I played by concealing my whole body under burkha like a Muslim lady. But my mind voice was so loud, I made the deaf to hear. So I was always beaten into pulp. Luckily they didn’t play betting on my belongings. Otherwise I would have been reduced to my single piece swimsuit often. When my accolades spread and rummiers from nearby offices started to pour in, It was time to take transfer to Chennai to escape them. But here my friends breathe and thrive on hearts and spades.

Rummy should be our national game as majority of Indians play card games like 28, 3 Cards or rummy. Microsoft added MS Excel for Americans, MS Word for Chinese and FreeCell & Solitaire for Indians.

Rummy has health benefits! When I don’t get rummy while playing, I start sweating, my heart pounds and blood rushes similar to jogging. As I try to peep into others’ cards, my eyesight improves by notches. As I am alert to others’ swearings, my hearing capacity improves. It teaches you how to be expert in body language and control my facial expressions. The latter one is very useful when your boss tear you apart in front of your juniors. Here I see experts who have developed ESP power by playing rummy. They foresee my cards and my future as well. Rummy improves team spirit when coupled with real spirit as they are independently dependent on each other!

Rummy motivates you to convert small failures into stepping stones to victory. If you don’t read it well, it may well be your grave stone. I have ordered mine in granite.

Rummy is the father of all superstitions. Here people prefer same place, same costumes and same liquor brand to continue the winning streak. I tried special poojas, palmistry and parrot astrology. Still all the good stars lose their reputation when supporting me.

Time to take transfer again.

My First Birthday......

          Yesterday was my birthday.  The celestial event came back again without much difference.  I woke up in the morning as usual.  No one shouted as "It’s a boy, IT's A BOY".  No fanfare or cut outs.   There wasn't a single nurse to give me bath.  So I took my own bath !  Prayed to God.  Because When I was born in 1973, Bruce Lee died.  When I turned one SN Bose died and it went on.

          I have never cut a cake on my birthday.  Why should I blow and spit on the cake and give it to everyone. I wanted to cut a cake only after accomplishing something and I am a young boy who has a lifetime ahead to achieve.

         But this year I was compelled to spit on the cake alongwith my colleague and wonderful friend Mr.Pradeep who sadly shares his birthday with mine. He is a large man with larger heart.  He is such a divine who appreciate all my blogs. Even if I write a blog like 1, 2, 3, 3, 4, 5, 5,   He will laugh boisterously and say “Why Ashok, did you fail in 3rd and 5th Standards  !!”. So when he stood near me the happiness was doubled rather tripled due to his size !!!   So we were like “two peas in a pod” no don't think “two pees in a pond”.  He is like a saint who loves everyone.  Only condition is that they are to be women.  He is getting kinder and kinder.  At this rate, I may propose to him sooner or later.  Together we can prove that “Two wrongs can make it right!”.

           My friend is as young as ‘Everest”.  So when they decided to order a birthday cake for both of us, they ordered the cake from “Cakewaves” and candles straight from the factory.  When all the candles were lighted, the airport was like the place for candles peace march and Chennai clocked its highest temperature. We put off the candles with a blower.

            I had always wanted to age like wine, tastier and better.  At least would have loved to remain as honey, unchanged. But it seems I am ageing like garbage.  My body is ballooning and eye sights are retracting. My memory was always at the rock bottom. Now it is digging deeper and my…  mm.. never mind.

            I sincerely thank my colleagues for their speech,  arranging the party and burning a hole in their pant pockets !

            I thank all the well wishers who are happy to see us getting old.  Hearty thanks to one and all.

Hairy Problems….

Being Humane or  He-man is easier than being a man especially ‘young’ man. 

Being humane is easy as all you have to do is to wear the slogan T-shirt and shoot the deer and Being He-man is also easier as you are not to take haircut but wear a metal brief. But being young man is impossible like keeping the women quiet for an hour.

Men faces many important battles like fighting men for women and fighting women for women. Among those problems, hair greying is the second hardest battle. First one of course is "balding" which will shed in other article.  While balding is nothing but growth of hair downward i.e excess beard and moustache, greying on the other hand is maturity of hair ahead of the person!

When your hair starts to fade and when the female genre start calling you ‘uncle’, that word will shake your world and cause heart attack.  This is the main reason for heart attacks among men.  

It is important to dye.  Check TV Ads...

If you don't dye, your wife will not come out shopping with you. Children won't talk and neighbourhood fellow will call you 'Uncle'.

If you dye, all will sing and dance around you.

Dyes change a grandpa to ‘bro’ in a jiffy. If Godrej hadn't sold dyes, many Indian women would have gone for divorce. That's the reason saloons loot more money like Vijay Mallya. To escape them you have to be either bald i.e blessing in disguise or Sardar ji  i.e disguise in blessing.  I am planning to become a Sardar ji. 

Our national Sunday duty is dyeing when grandpa, grandma, father and mother sit together for a session of family dyeing.

When moustache start to fade within 4 days after dyeing like husbands' lies and we get furious like seasoned wives. Desperate times need desperate measures.  Maskara, eyeliners and dark pencils stand for us. 

North Indians use different colours widely and one can see red heads, rangoli heads and wooden heads. Some come out as if they had played holi on the saloon.

In South, People prefer black alone as they don't want others to know.   They will happily reveal national secrets but not dyeing secrets.

Luckily we had shed all the body hair from our Gorilla ancestors. Otherwise we can dye only in dyeing tanks used for fabrics.

You can become a modern Artist, if you dye regularly, as the strokes are same!  

If snow white heads suddenly turn as black as Tar especially the forehead and sideburns and if dogs bark or children weep on seeing you, it is better to change the dye.

Choose your dye more carefully than you choose your wife as it kills slower.  But you got the liberty to change to other company die or have two three company dies at the same time.

Go for popular brands who advertise a lot like Modi ji and preferably foreign brands.  Don't fall for “Make in India" campaign or else you will roam as if born to ration card and aadhar card photo.