Hairy Problems….

Being Humane or  He-man is easier than being a man especially ‘young’ man. 

Being humane is easy as all you have to do is to wear the slogan T-shirt and shoot the deer and Being He-man is also easier as you are not to take haircut but wear a metal brief. But being young man is impossible like keeping the women quiet for an hour.

Men faces many important battles like fighting men for women and fighting women for women. Among those problems, hair greying is the second hardest battle. First one of course is "balding" which will shed in other article.  While balding is nothing but growth of hair downward i.e excess beard and moustache, greying on the other hand is maturity of hair ahead of the person!

When your hair starts to fade and when the female genre start calling you ‘uncle’, that word will shake your world and cause heart attack.  This is the main reason for heart attacks among men.  

It is important to dye.  Check TV Ads...

If you don't dye, your wife will not come out shopping with you. Children won't talk and neighbourhood fellow will call you 'Uncle'.

If you dye, all will sing and dance around you.

Dyes change a grandpa to ‘bro’ in a jiffy. If Godrej hadn't sold dyes, many Indian women would have gone for divorce. That's the reason saloons loot more money like Vijay Mallya. To escape them you have to be either bald i.e blessing in disguise or Sardar ji  i.e disguise in blessing.  I am planning to become a Sardar ji. 

Our national Sunday duty is dyeing when grandpa, grandma, father and mother sit together for a session of family dyeing.

When moustache start to fade within 4 days after dyeing like husbands' lies and we get furious like seasoned wives. Desperate times need desperate measures.  Maskara, eyeliners and dark pencils stand for us. 

North Indians use different colours widely and one can see red heads, rangoli heads and wooden heads. Some come out as if they had played holi on the saloon.

In South, People prefer black alone as they don't want others to know.   They will happily reveal national secrets but not dyeing secrets.

Luckily we had shed all the body hair from our Gorilla ancestors. Otherwise we can dye only in dyeing tanks used for fabrics.

You can become a modern Artist, if you dye regularly, as the strokes are same!  

If snow white heads suddenly turn as black as Tar especially the forehead and sideburns and if dogs bark or children weep on seeing you, it is better to change the dye.

Choose your dye more carefully than you choose your wife as it kills slower.  But you got the liberty to change to other company die or have two three company dies at the same time.

Go for popular brands who advertise a lot like Modi ji and preferably foreign brands.  Don't fall for “Make in India" campaign or else you will roam as if born to ration card and aadhar card photo.

Vote for SUN...

           Last week I underwent Master health up and found no extra groceries of Sugar or salt in my body to feel proud or boast of. Not even air pressure or blood pressure. When all my friends discuss Insulin and Storvas, I feel left out. I am going to be alone after all my friends pass away!

           Doctor told me that nowadays more and more people are getting affected by Vitamin D deficiency. Reason : Not getting enough sun light. How can it happen in Chennai! God's mother in law land !!

          Means people are not playing outside but have downloaded jogging and walking Apps for exercising. Or must've been stuck up with Fb and Whatsapp. So after liking this post, please go out in the sun and continue to browse. Because We will never know when wife goes missing but will immediately know when Wifi is missing. 
 

          Take plenty of Vitamin D rich foods. Drink milk like a calf or Dhoni. Go nuts over nuts. Eat all type of fishes. Don't bother about it's names. Salmon, swordfish, mackerel. What the heck! As Shakespeare said, "A Fish by any other name would taste as sweet". Other Vitamin D rich foods are Cod liver Oil, Tofu, Fortified cereals and Caviar. If you don't understand any of these, Stand outside. 

          For Tamil Nadu Public, It's time Complan and Horlicks companies come out with Vitamin D powder that can be mixed with spirits. 

          Cheers.

Parade days...

         

          The five days crash course on parade for Republic Day was happily concluded on Jan 26.  Being the Parade Commander, I put in my best efforts sincerely and had developed a few more friends who are now happy to send me back to Kolkata. This Parade consisted of the most difficult contingent I have ever trained.  At the end of the crash course, I "passed out" as I had developed all type of pains like physical strain and mental drain except labour pain.  I still don't know whether I paraded them or they paraded me.  I have even developed a seventh sense called 'nonsense". The ironies felt were...

1.  They came in white uniform if you agree milky white, vanila white and ujaala white are the same with wrinkles as in the face of English bull dog.  

2.  One person came to the parade with more hair than my wife. 

3.  Many came from docks night duty with bloodshot eyes and my first thought was to to hug and cry as I myself went after airport night duty.

4.  Some wore the name tab and brooch on the opposite sides but the award went to the one who wore the epaulettes in the opposite direction.

5.  Many were of my father's age and I was confused whether to call out "Parade Sowthan" or "Parents Sowthan". When they walked to the beat, earth dithered, music drums tremored and the contingent actually shivered. 

6.  My first whole day went on explaining which is 'dhainey' (right) and 'baye' (left). But When I gave the command to turn, they always turned to all sides and settled like Navagraha statues in Siva temple. Second day when I went there, for a second, I wondered whether I had   gone to the adjoining Collector Office as the whole contingent was different as I used to get new contingents daily.  Again I went on to preach left, right, north, South. As they always had doubts on right turn and left turn.  I made it simple.  While going to Flag post only Right turn was given and while coming back only Left turn. And it worked.

7.  The tapping sound on the command Sowthan never came together and ultimately I had to tell them to stamp their feet without a single sound. And We got it together!

8.  They were so patriotic.  When the "Salami Sasth" was given they automatically saluted along with me.  As only the Commander has to salute and all others are to remain in attention, I had to beg them to stop saluting. Except that they were consistently inconsistent. 

9.  When they marched even the Chief Guest held his breath.

10.  When the flag hoisting was  success, My Parade in charge wanted to recommend my name for "Bharath Ratna".  I politely declined.

At least they got their independence from me. As I am appointed as the permanent Parade Commander, I am waiting for mine.

Press 1 for WIVES

North Indians believe that the blessing of transgenders come true.

           Yesterday I saw them near tollgate. One person was like a model and I was overawed. If 'Wishing well' had been nearby, I would have thrown a dime and wished!? Then she came towards me in a zigzag walk "tap" "tap"ed near my face twice and said "Give me 10 rupees Sir" in a salt paper voice.  Luckily wishing well was not there. Otherwise next time when you cross that tollgate, you would have seen me tap, tapping. I gave her money like a 3G spectrum accused and talked to her politely as I always talk before spotting the hidden gold in the passenger.  When I told her that I am the overall in charge of the International Airport, Chennai, She was overawed. She shared her problem and I poured my problem (Night Crawlers part I and II). She told me that I was the most important person and I couldn't help remembering my Boss who always tells me the same till end of the shift. She mocked me to marry her.  I assured him/her that I will be back if I am ever kicked out by my wife which may not be far away seeing the way I express here. When we departed with tearful eyes and heavy heart, she blessed me as
" Have a happy long life with WIVES and children". 

WIVES?!

         I am confused now. Because did she actually bless me or curse me by wishing "WIVES"?

          I can go on a 'marrying spree' and honour the belief of north Indians or I can act against her noble (!) wish by not marrying and break the myth of north Indians thereby causing havoc in their hearts. I am at the crucial stage of my life to go with or against millions of people!

             Supposing that their wishes always come true...

            Dragging the life with one wife or husband itself is a lifetime achievement for anyone. In this context, how can I live with multiple wives happily that too a long life or will the life look to be long if I marry exponentially? Wife is the centre/epicentre of any house as she always stands on her husband, the brick, all the time.

          Is there any guidance book from Rapidex like "How to live happily with multiplying  wives"? Or   Can any experienced man "cast the first stone?" 

Is there a "Pariharam" i.e remedy for averting this impending disaster ?

         If it's true? 

           Then how many does the plural term of "wives" actually denote? Two or more?  Will I be blessed with 350 wives like Dasaratha or Sixteen  thousand wives  like Krishna?    With  16,500 wives  I will  be  like "Owners Pride, Neighbour's Envy". 

         Shall I give ad like "Wives needed. Colour, height, weight no bar.  Married, Divorcee, single, double no problem.  Indian, African, Martian no issues.  Bridegroom works in the International airport for the last 6 months. At what time he works and at what time he sleeps is not yet clear. Earns handful and talks mouthful.

         Should I have to lease a building like Airport for residence or live under a shamiana?  Should I pay house tax or corporation tax? 

         16,500 ladies under one roof.  Won't rest of the Tamil Nadu go deaf?   Will anyone  ever invite me "with family" to their function? There won't be any family photo in my life only family movie.

       In the brighter side, I can have my own cricket teams, Wife Wars and family marathon with my offspring. My family will become the new taluk under Tamil Nadu State and I will be the independent MLA as well and fight for "We Two, Ours Nil" Plan like every politician does. I will take one cylinder per wife and surrender the remaining wives I mean cylinders. Can you find six differences between these two?

       I thought for long, convinced myself and took the bold step to marry for the sake of helping 16,500 girls.  Suddenly the thought of 16500 MOTHERS IN LAW  doomed on me.

        Now I have sworn to live with my One and Only Wife Full Stop

KOLKATA THROUGH THE EYES OF A TAMILIAN..

This was written when I was in Kolkata Customs.

1.    Names are easy to remember (!) here. Half the persons are Bose/Das and  the remaining are Banerjee/Chatterjee.

2.    Foot path is for hawkers. If possible, you can walk also. 2 lakh people are boarding and lodging in the foot paths. No rent, no power, no free space and no hygiene. If you dare to ask them what is hygiene, they will tell it as a new brand of jeans.

3.    Buildings are as old as Santa Claus. Seriously if an earth quake epicenters in Kolkata, half the city will be wiped out in seconds. I am planning to move to foot path.

4.   All trees are occupied by Chai wala or Kali madha. Here tea is served in mud pots. When I asked a chai wala about it, he explained me for five minutes why it is hygiene and how it will not burn my fingers. He was right. I burnt my lips.

5.   State hobby is spitting. They spit, Spit and SPIT. You must wear a rain coat while crossing buses. If fine for spitting is implemented,  Mamta Ma'm can give loan to Centre.

6.   Offices start as early as 12 pm. Some people come early at 11.55 am. Besides talking about foot ball and politics, if possible, they work also. In between 4 tea breaks and 3 snack breaks are the order. Each office has 3 to 4 unions and elections are conducted every year for 11 months.

7.     People eat sweets for food. If you know to make rasagulla and jilabi, come here. you can make a killing.

8.     As the British forgot to take the Tram, its is still running on the roads without passengers.

9.    When people gets bored, they hold a festival. I am seeing 10th pooja in my 5 months stay. Some one is always sitting on the trees to tie and untie the speakers.

10.   'Mangal Sutra", the instrument in which the south film industry hangs on, is not found here. I enquired one of my bengali friend. From that day he is not talking. Curiosity killed a friendship.

11.   Jasmine and Kanahambaram are not seen in this part of the earth. No lady seems to wear any flower. For that sake, they don't tie the hair even.

12.   People talk, talk and talk. I wonder how they remain without talking for one and half years after birth!   In talking, My friends here can beat women with hands down.

13.   They talk so loud, I am getting echo now a days. Once I told my boss not to tell me twice.

14.    Last week, When my colleagues were discussing some secret matter slowly, I attended a phone call from my wife. My wife immediately asked me "What are you doing in the railway station?"

15.   Roads are always crowded. Every one on the road runs literally. If you have to ask for direction, you have to jog alongwith them. I don't know why they could not produce good athletes.

16.   People's G.K is very good. When I asked for direction to East, twice they sent me towards west. As they are aware that the earth is round, They were sure that I will reach east invariably.

17.   They are very proud people. When they collide with you on the road on step on you in the bus, they will never tell sorry. They feel it is their fundamental right.

18.   My working area Kidderpur is famous for pick pockets.   If I happen to touch hands with others, I count and check my fingers.

19.   Any how Kolkata changed my selfish nature. Earlier I wanted to work in Tamil Nadu alone. Now I am ready to work any where other than Kolkata!

Bus Yatra in Kolkata

               There are many adventurous activities. I want the World Sports body to recognize ‘bus travel in Kolkata’ as one such activity where there isn’t any paucity for thrill, grill and drill. You have to cling on to your dear life till the end.

               Overcrowded or jam-packed is an understatement. Friends, you can help me here with an apt word. The word must pack enough pain similar to being crushed by an elephant or grinded by wife! Bachelors will never know.  The buses come so crowded and it will be hardly visible. People will be sticking to it like in Fevicol add. Buses will stop anywhere and everywhere except bus stop. Even if you stifle a yawn with outstretched hands, the bus will stop. But still it won’t be possible to reach the bus as two wheelers and autos cross it on both sides. You have to shout at the conductor like Hindi film heroine who is kidnapped. When the bus stops, some people are ejected and you can see the new found freedom in their faces. An half an hour journey exhausts 750 calories which is equal to 1 hour work out in gym or washing of a week’s family clothes by married men on Sundays. If you board the bus with apple, you will get down with apple juice, without any added preservatives, of course. If you carry coconut, you will get down with coconut oil. If you carry a baby, now don’t imagine things. You won’t get baby oil. Daily I travel a few kms hanging on the bus on some one’s foot or shoulder till I reach the first step. And then I will be sucked inside the crusher.

             You don't have to worry about climbing the bus steps. You will be transported in escalator style. If you land in dark place, then you are in the ladies side, with all that free flowing hair. You have to comb through them as they hate to control the hair. If it is red, then you are in men's side, with all that paan and black teeth, some people can kill the snakes with single bite. Poor dentists. While ladies compete with each other in eating, men are busy competing in spitting like titanic couple. Actually we must get patent for spitting. I never sit near the window as my seat sharer will eventually spit across my face. I graciously spare the window seats. For that matter I never get seats as the bus owner seems to be hiring people to prevent me from sitting in the bus.

             When we ache for air inside the bus like fish out of water, the conductors always shout "Andhar kaali hey". They must be meaning our heads, for travelling in their buses. With all that sweat, congestion and smell, bofar's gas will fall on its knees and beg not to pollute it. But we are gas proof.  Tickets are printed on papers taken from shredding machines. Re-recycling, you see.

               Buses move at snail pace. You can occasionally drop down for a cup of tea and catch the bus again. Drivers ply the buses like auto, with lots of jerks and rapid turns missing other buses by millimeters. He is the chief trainer who helps to build our muscles by compelling us to hold on. The side effect is we always bulge at the wrong places.

               Buses are like chariots. Half of them wooden. With so much daily load, they still move. Now you believe in God, Don't you?

                 I learnt of some conductor vacancies. If  you want after this, forward your resume to me. After all what friends are for!

A Day in Saloon

              Saloon is the a place where a man learns to know the meaning of Patience. It trains a bachelor to become a patient husband and a patient husband to become a saint. 

             Yesterday I went to my regular Saloon for a simple haircut. I had to wait for my favourite hair stylist who was busy over the head of another customer.  As I was next, I opted for completion of the rituals on his head. The person was weighing around a century and resembled a bear. I started to browse from the day's newspaper and continued upto 15 days backwards. Shaving followed the haircut. When I thought of occupying the chair at the finish, my nemesis opted for head massage. I started to bite my nails and just continued to stare at him. I was scolding him in my mind with a lot of ****

          The hairstylist poured oil and started to hit, tap, knock and roll his hand. In spite of my simmering, I couldn't control my smile by seeing his face. His face was contracting and twisting and visibly was lost in seventh heaven. At last when the beautification came to the illogical end, I could only laugh when he opted for facial. He discussed facial creams elaborately with the stylist and settled for fruit cream therapy. Was he going to eat? I got frustrated and asked him directly if he had anything else in his mind. Now welding and polishing his face went on. As it is no use of leaving after wasting one hour, I continued to watch the work.  Another two, three sittings like this, I shall be qualified to join the saloon as a stylist! When the cream was removed I was hoping to see a hollywood actor. Alas! The same hippopotamus emerged amongst the cream and trampled past me with a smile as if to receive the "Miss Universe" award. I could only curse that his wife and family fail to recognise him entirely and disown him for the rest of his life.