Airport Job...

 Rapid-text :  An In-comprehensive guide to officers who join airport. Learn airport customs work in 30 minutes.

Working in airport is a dream job or at least would seem so as you are always sleepy whether you are on or off the duty.  If you are posted there, don’t delay in joining. 62 times airport glass panels have fallen. Unless it falls and kills someone, our govt won’t change anything. So Please join and bring a change !

ABCD of the job is Airport, Baggage, Check and Detain. That’s all. If you are good, you will be blamed by people in CP grams! If you are very good, your name will feature in TV also!! 

Purchase white uniform (Stitch pants with elastic at the hips), marker (for marking bags) and a knife (for checking luggage). Learn how to scan the bags thoroughly. I was told to mark all black images and I had been marking all black bags for one month till my BS questioned ‘why this racism’ ! If you are posted at Hand Baggage Scan, you will get opportunity to see a lot of beautiful passengers. But stick to your scanner image till you become senior. Seniors can watch two sceneries at the same time by rotating both eyes separately!

Nowadays passengers are returning to mother India with murderous rage due to demonetisation, flight delay and TV duty. They will wait for days in the immigration on foreign soil and not a minute in Indian mud. If you stop them, they will turn into Hulk!  So learn verbal karate, verbal kung fu and all bad words. I can scold you nonstop in Chinese, Korean as well as Japanese. When you can’t fight, call Customs Sepoys. Indian blood is afraid of Khaki Uniforms from pre-independence period.  I have seen many bahubalis melt in front of our khaki-clad sepoys.

Collecting duty for TV is the biggest challenge in airport. Bargaining will be going on in all TV counters like village cattle market. No one wants to pay duty to the Government. Their stand is that why should they pay duty to a country which is still developing 71 years after independence. Even an ape would have evolved into a man by this time. But they didn’t know that every week we are sending a businessman with 1000 crores to London and we plan to purchase England sometime!

If you are an atheist while joining the airport, trust me. You will become an ardent devotee while quitting the airport as you are certain to face cascade of problems. I became devotee of Lord Rama, Vishnu, Allah, Jesus, Raghavendra and Dharmendra. Name hardly matters. If a stone with flowers is found, I pray ! After my shift duties, I used to reside at temples.  

You will find new positions in sleeping. If you are found hanging upside down and sleeping like owl, tell your family not to bother. Tell them its new “Pathanjali Yoga”.

You can meet all VIPs and Cine stars who will be cordial. Once I asked actor Kattappa why he killed Bahubali. He replied that Bahubali was also asking unnecessary questions !

I worked as PRO as well which was like chicken in briyani! (icing on the cake). Working as PRO is one and half times tougher than working as officer. PROs used to command earlier. Now they take care of demands from passengers as PRO has become Public Restraining Officer.

PROs walk a lot. I was 7 feet when I joined airport and now only 5 ½ feet. I discovered that missing feet in my stomach. The PRO who replaced me is already 3 ft. I wonder what will happen to him?   My friend who joined airport, resembled a baby elephant then.  Now he already looks like a pregnant elephant.    

PROs will face a few problems too..

Someone would invariably call us at the ungodly hours during our sleep. Once someone called me at 02.30 am and asked who is in charge there? I blinked and told ‘My Wife’. He told ‘No Yaar’, “Which AC is working?”  I told “Samsung AC”.  He hung up. Another day I was woken up by siren sound at 0100 am (my  Whatsapp sound).  Someone sent me a video showing a wife killing her sleeping husband by throwing a big stone on his head. I couldn’t sleep after that.   From that day I put my phone in ‘Husband’ (quiet) mode during night time.

Once a VIP in full booze was to be seen off by a PRO friend.  The facility was so impressed by my friend’s calibre, he kissed the PRO on his longest forehead (?) and took off. The PRO returned spitting all the way.

Another time, a person had requested a PRO for domestic entry. The PRO went to Chennai domestic terminal and searched. Both were at domestic but couldn’t spot each other. After playing hide and seek for half an hour, my PRO found that the other guy was in Trichy airport and had requested for facility there! My friend returned and was seen shouting  @*$%#

 Keep working in airport till you start getting hallucinations. I started to stare at the woman’s necks for 24 ct gold chains even at my family functions.  Once I thought of taking a guest who came to my house for physical checking. Then it worsened.  I started to look at the crotches of the men on the road for hidden gold. If this happens to you, then its high time to take transfer.

Till then happy Checking.