Press 1 for WIVES

North Indians believe that the blessing of transgenders come true.

           Yesterday I saw them near tollgate. One person was like a model and I was overawed. If 'Wishing well' had been nearby, I would have thrown a dime and wished!? Then she came towards me in a zigzag walk "tap" "tap"ed near my face twice and said "Give me 10 rupees Sir" in a salt paper voice.  Luckily wishing well was not there. Otherwise next time when you cross that tollgate, you would have seen me tap, tapping. I gave her money like a 3G spectrum accused and talked to her politely as I always talk before spotting the hidden gold in the passenger.  When I told her that I am the overall in charge of the International Airport, Chennai, She was overawed. She shared her problem and I poured my problem (Night Crawlers part I and II). She told me that I was the most important person and I couldn't help remembering my Boss who always tells me the same till end of the shift. She mocked me to marry her.  I assured him/her that I will be back if I am ever kicked out by my wife which may not be far away seeing the way I express here. When we departed with tearful eyes and heavy heart, she blessed me as
" Have a happy long life with WIVES and children". 

WIVES?!

         I am confused now. Because did she actually bless me or curse me by wishing "WIVES"?

          I can go on a 'marrying spree' and honour the belief of north Indians or I can act against her noble (!) wish by not marrying and break the myth of north Indians thereby causing havoc in their hearts. I am at the crucial stage of my life to go with or against millions of people!

             Supposing that their wishes always come true...

            Dragging the life with one wife or husband itself is a lifetime achievement for anyone. In this context, how can I live with multiple wives happily that too a long life or will the life look to be long if I marry exponentially? Wife is the centre/epicentre of any house as she always stands on her husband, the brick, all the time.

          Is there any guidance book from Rapidex like "How to live happily with multiplying  wives"? Or   Can any experienced man "cast the first stone?" 

Is there a "Pariharam" i.e remedy for averting this impending disaster ?

         If it's true? 

           Then how many does the plural term of "wives" actually denote? Two or more?  Will I be blessed with 350 wives like Dasaratha or Sixteen  thousand wives  like Krishna?    With  16,500 wives  I will  be  like "Owners Pride, Neighbour's Envy". 

         Shall I give ad like "Wives needed. Colour, height, weight no bar.  Married, Divorcee, single, double no problem.  Indian, African, Martian no issues.  Bridegroom works in the International airport for the last 6 months. At what time he works and at what time he sleeps is not yet clear. Earns handful and talks mouthful.

         Should I have to lease a building like Airport for residence or live under a shamiana?  Should I pay house tax or corporation tax? 

         16,500 ladies under one roof.  Won't rest of the Tamil Nadu go deaf?   Will anyone  ever invite me "with family" to their function? There won't be any family photo in my life only family movie.

       In the brighter side, I can have my own cricket teams, Wife Wars and family marathon with my offspring. My family will become the new taluk under Tamil Nadu State and I will be the independent MLA as well and fight for "We Two, Ours Nil" Plan like every politician does. I will take one cylinder per wife and surrender the remaining wives I mean cylinders. Can you find six differences between these two?

       I thought for long, convinced myself and took the bold step to marry for the sake of helping 16,500 girls.  Suddenly the thought of 16500 MOTHERS IN LAW  doomed on me.

        Now I have sworn to live with my One and Only Wife Full Stop

KOLKATA THROUGH THE EYES OF A TAMILIAN..

This was written when I was in Kolkata Customs.

1.    Names are easy to remember (!) here. Half the persons are Bose/Das and  the remaining are Banerjee/Chatterjee.

2.    Foot path is for hawkers. If possible, you can walk also. 2 lakh people are boarding and lodging in the foot paths. No rent, no power, no free space and no hygiene. If you dare to ask them what is hygiene, they will tell it as a new brand of jeans.

3.    Buildings are as old as Santa Claus. Seriously if an earth quake epicenters in Kolkata, half the city will be wiped out in seconds. I am planning to move to foot path.

4.   All trees are occupied by Chai wala or Kali madha. Here tea is served in mud pots. When I asked a chai wala about it, he explained me for five minutes why it is hygiene and how it will not burn my fingers. He was right. I burnt my lips.

5.   State hobby is spitting. They spit, Spit and SPIT. You must wear a rain coat while crossing buses. If fine for spitting is implemented,  Mamta Ma'm can give loan to Centre.

6.   Offices start as early as 12 pm. Some people come early at 11.55 am. Besides talking about foot ball and politics, if possible, they work also. In between 4 tea breaks and 3 snack breaks are the order. Each office has 3 to 4 unions and elections are conducted every year for 11 months.

7.     People eat sweets for food. If you know to make rasagulla and jilabi, come here. you can make a killing.

8.     As the British forgot to take the Tram, its is still running on the roads without passengers.

9.    When people gets bored, they hold a festival. I am seeing 10th pooja in my 5 months stay. Some one is always sitting on the trees to tie and untie the speakers.

10.   'Mangal Sutra", the instrument in which the south film industry hangs on, is not found here. I enquired one of my bengali friend. From that day he is not talking. Curiosity killed a friendship.

11.   Jasmine and Kanahambaram are not seen in this part of the earth. No lady seems to wear any flower. For that sake, they don't tie the hair even.

12.   People talk, talk and talk. I wonder how they remain without talking for one and half years after birth!   In talking, My friends here can beat women with hands down.

13.   They talk so loud, I am getting echo now a days. Once I told my boss not to tell me twice.

14.    Last week, When my colleagues were discussing some secret matter slowly, I attended a phone call from my wife. My wife immediately asked me "What are you doing in the railway station?"

15.   Roads are always crowded. Every one on the road runs literally. If you have to ask for direction, you have to jog alongwith them. I don't know why they could not produce good athletes.

16.   People's G.K is very good. When I asked for direction to East, twice they sent me towards west. As they are aware that the earth is round, They were sure that I will reach east invariably.

17.   They are very proud people. When they collide with you on the road on step on you in the bus, they will never tell sorry. They feel it is their fundamental right.

18.   My working area Kidderpur is famous for pick pockets.   If I happen to touch hands with others, I count and check my fingers.

19.   Any how Kolkata changed my selfish nature. Earlier I wanted to work in Tamil Nadu alone. Now I am ready to work any where other than Kolkata!

Bus Yatra in Kolkata

               There are many adventurous activities. I want the World Sports body to recognize ‘bus travel in Kolkata’ as one such activity where there isn’t any paucity for thrill, grill and drill. You have to cling on to your dear life till the end.

               Overcrowded or jam-packed is an understatement. Friends, you can help me here with an apt word. The word must pack enough pain similar to being crushed by an elephant or grinded by wife! Bachelors will never know.  The buses come so crowded and it will be hardly visible. People will be sticking to it like in Fevicol add. Buses will stop anywhere and everywhere except bus stop. Even if you stifle a yawn with outstretched hands, the bus will stop. But still it won’t be possible to reach the bus as two wheelers and autos cross it on both sides. You have to shout at the conductor like Hindi film heroine who is kidnapped. When the bus stops, some people are ejected and you can see the new found freedom in their faces. An half an hour journey exhausts 750 calories which is equal to 1 hour work out in gym or washing of a week’s family clothes by married men on Sundays. If you board the bus with apple, you will get down with apple juice, without any added preservatives, of course. If you carry coconut, you will get down with coconut oil. If you carry a baby, now don’t imagine things. You won’t get baby oil. Daily I travel a few kms hanging on the bus on some one’s foot or shoulder till I reach the first step. And then I will be sucked inside the crusher.

             You don't have to worry about climbing the bus steps. You will be transported in escalator style. If you land in dark place, then you are in the ladies side, with all that free flowing hair. You have to comb through them as they hate to control the hair. If it is red, then you are in men's side, with all that paan and black teeth, some people can kill the snakes with single bite. Poor dentists. While ladies compete with each other in eating, men are busy competing in spitting like titanic couple. Actually we must get patent for spitting. I never sit near the window as my seat sharer will eventually spit across my face. I graciously spare the window seats. For that matter I never get seats as the bus owner seems to be hiring people to prevent me from sitting in the bus.

             When we ache for air inside the bus like fish out of water, the conductors always shout "Andhar kaali hey". They must be meaning our heads, for travelling in their buses. With all that sweat, congestion and smell, bofar's gas will fall on its knees and beg not to pollute it. But we are gas proof.  Tickets are printed on papers taken from shredding machines. Re-recycling, you see.

               Buses move at snail pace. You can occasionally drop down for a cup of tea and catch the bus again. Drivers ply the buses like auto, with lots of jerks and rapid turns missing other buses by millimeters. He is the chief trainer who helps to build our muscles by compelling us to hold on. The side effect is we always bulge at the wrong places.

               Buses are like chariots. Half of them wooden. With so much daily load, they still move. Now you believe in God, Don't you?

                 I learnt of some conductor vacancies. If  you want after this, forward your resume to me. After all what friends are for!

A Day in Saloon

              Saloon is the a place where a man learns to know the meaning of Patience. It trains a bachelor to become a patient husband and a patient husband to become a saint. 

             Yesterday I went to my regular Saloon for a simple haircut. I had to wait for my favourite hair stylist who was busy over the head of another customer.  As I was next, I opted for completion of the rituals on his head. The person was weighing around a century and resembled a bear. I started to browse from the day's newspaper and continued upto 15 days backwards. Shaving followed the haircut. When I thought of occupying the chair at the finish, my nemesis opted for head massage. I started to bite my nails and just continued to stare at him. I was scolding him in my mind with a lot of ****

          The hairstylist poured oil and started to hit, tap, knock and roll his hand. In spite of my simmering, I couldn't control my smile by seeing his face. His face was contracting and twisting and visibly was lost in seventh heaven. At last when the beautification came to the illogical end, I could only laugh when he opted for facial. He discussed facial creams elaborately with the stylist and settled for fruit cream therapy. Was he going to eat? I got frustrated and asked him directly if he had anything else in his mind. Now welding and polishing his face went on. As it is no use of leaving after wasting one hour, I continued to watch the work.  Another two, three sittings like this, I shall be qualified to join the saloon as a stylist! When the cream was removed I was hoping to see a hollywood actor. Alas! The same hippopotamus emerged amongst the cream and trampled past me with a smile as if to receive the "Miss Universe" award. I could only curse that his wife and family fail to recognise him entirely and disown him for the rest of his life.  

Doubt Corner

When Indians complete air travel, Why do they never remove the baggage destination tag till reaching their remote hometown? Do they ever remove it or always carry them around till it wears off?

Why do we celebrate the Indians who achieved some thing big in a foreign country, when they had already left Madame India, obtained foreign citizenship and settled elsewhere? Our press finds out that their father’s 2nd grandmother was Indian.

If plucking a white hair from the head produces more white hairs, Will plucking a black hair prop up more black hair?

The Impending fall of low hip pants is more dangerous to the wearing men or watching women?

No. of women in a house is directly proportional to the amount of hair in the comb. Still men have to clean it.

Invariably 'Lawyers', 'Police' stickers are pasted in their vehicles, is it to show the power?!

Does anyone who thinks "Time is gold" feel  free to exchange the gold with my time? 

Husband Tips...

How to remember your wife's birthday, anniversary and other important dates.

Five easy steps to be a successful husband 😜

1.   Branded showrooms and big shops are asking to fill our anniversary dates and spouse's birthdates.      Write one day prior to the actual dates. 
     Nowadays they are reminding us by sending wishes and we won't miss an occasion.

2.  Use social sites like fb, way2sms to remind the dates. You can set future smss alongwith time here.

3.  Sit one day and store all these evil dates in your cellphone to keep a reminder.

4.  Bribe your children to remind the dates diplomatically like "If You can remember and tell me one day before mother's birthday then I will gift you a brand new watch" (whatever).  Our life is more precious than the cost of watch.

5.  If nothing works, then forget your wife's birthday once. Then you will never forget it again in your life time.

(Issued in husbands interest)

TUMMY TROUBLE

This Blog was written in facebook when I was in Kolkata Customs...

What did I learn after spending so many months in Kolkata?

IS IT....

There are more fish varieties in Bengal markets than in Bay of Bengal?

SC Bose alone got us freedom?

Ganguly is the only cricketer during his era and sachin, dravid used to be water carriers then?

Bengal is the sweet capital of India?

No..  I learnt in how many ways my stomach can be infected!!?

          My stomach has been inhibited by variety of viruses and bacterias and they live in colonies. Now they have started their unions as well. My stomach problems continue like Hanuman's tail. For the last week or so, It again adopted the strike culture of Bengal and refused to work like Govt employees. The strike was followed by slogans and sounds. Heavy riot followed. I can't digest this any more!

              Advices started to pour in from all ten directions?!! Top and bottom directions included. Eat banana, bread, drink black tea, do regular exercise, do yoga and take homeopathy medicines. I liked the first 3 only as it involved eating. My family doctor gave me a list of medicines. When I asked him "Is it before or after the meals? He scornfully looked at me and said "for meals".

             Well nowadays I purchase medicines like groceries. Some pharmacists treat me like their new competitor who is going to open a shop, some give me royal treatment. They give me 'festival offer', special discounts and compliments. Nowadays whenever a new medicine comes including gynaecology tablets, they inform me.

               I could withstand all 'pressures' except seeing my peers slurping 3 course meals with 4 course non-veg items. In Haldia we have our mess and they serve non-veg, 3 times a day. Daily we eat a fish variety excluding blue whale and penguin. Haldia market is small one. So we don't get them here. Ever since I told my friends that I should not take non-veg, their appetite seems to have grown manifold. They indulge in fingerlicking monoactings in front of me to augur my agony. I had to change my meal timings.

              Will any Indian invent a stomach with less tubes for "stomach transplantation" please. Do you think, we can't? Though Phone and sim were invented by others, We are the ones who invented 'Missed Call'. Isn't it? We can.  smile emoticon

13 ways to escape from a shopping-maniac wife....

          Husbands die to be at home during weekend. But when a wife decides to grant his wish by shopping, a husband can only pray for mercy killing. Because man proposes, Wife disposes. Wife is goddess Kali with two hands, but with a lengthier tongue.

         So, how to tackle this situation gracefully in spite of being beaten black and blue by your wife? Here are a few tips from an expert which will never work with any wife. Still can we stop planning our strategies?

1. Never fight the better OFF! She will shout your brain out or drown you with tears. Face it like       a (helpless) man. When she tells her plan for a purchase, don't think "God! There goes my           weekend". She will read your mind and you won’t have a mind to think again.

2. Facial expressions are important. Don't hang your face like bull dog or P.V.Narasimha Rao.       Try to smile like Mr.Bean.

3. Try to act feverish or having a terrific head ache. She may grunt and give up Or frown and fry        you up.

4. Encourage her to go alone or with her friend. One lady is handful. Two are a battalion. Why         should we suffer in their stampede?

5. If everything else fails, keep your vehicle ready as if going for a race. If it doesn't start, then         you will be crucified like Jesus. At least he was back after three days. You will be haunted for     the rest of your poor life with your wife’s face.

6. Take your wallets, cards, cheque books, house securities and liquid assets. Make a will if           possible. Look at your house for the last time. As no one knows when you will return, pack           razors, gadgets and chess board. You will get plenty of free husbands there!

7. Don't try to be too smart by suggesting small shops' names. Your wife would have a clear          map with her by now. So she will visit the shops she planned, as well as those you mentioned.

8. After ransacking 1000 racks and 100 salesman when she tells 'There isn't much to look at",      take a deep breath and ask "Shall we go to another shop?". Don't ask "Shall we go to                another planet?"

9. Yoga and few aasanas will come handy to relax. You don't have to be an expert like Ramdev     to rotate your stomach. The price of the garments your wife chooses will do that for you.

10. Always take your children with you. Their nuisance will eat your wife’s brain and help in              successful retrieval. If possible, take the neighbours' children on loan. Children's barbarism       in public place like pulling others’ dresses and musings may make the parents beam with            pride but the shop owners will throw you out.

11. Supply her intermittently with ice cream and juice. You can mix a few or many sleeping pills       or diarrhea causing tablets, depending upon the size, as wives come in all sizes like drum,          pencil and road rollers.

12. Try using the words "It's good", "Nice", "Beautiful" generously to cut her marathon run. Try to       look sincere and don't utter these words keeping an eye on the girls passing by.

13. Take your sisters-in-law as well! In Percy Shelley's words "If wife is here, can sister-in-law           be far behind". 

     Shopping is never complete till some people appreciate it. So bribe a few people for praising the choice. If some suggest any flaws, then the blame will come on you for choosing that, though your wife had selected the right one. Note down those people. We will extract vengeance some time.

Never travel alone in Trains....

Yesterday night I boarded the train from Salem to Chennai and was alone. People expect and demand the lonely passenger to be considerate and sympathetic to their cause by requesting to change the coach from S1 to S100 or lower berth to top of the train.

My Seat was in S2. As soon as I boarded, I was requested and transferred to S4 by an old couple. Before settling down another triple sent me to S3. Around 11.30 pm, I was shaken from my sound sleep. I was sleepy and irritated. The conversation went on like this....

No.1 : Sorry, I have got 2 months old baby.

I : Congrats...

No.1 : (smiling) Are you in lower berth.

I : Yes till now.

No.1 : Can you please change the berth?

I : This train or another?

No.1 : (smiling) No, no. This train only.

I : Yar, My berth is in S2. I have already been changed twice.

No.1 : One last time sir. Mine is middle and side upper berth. My baby will not sleep in the middle berth above yours. 

I : You don't tell her that it is middle berth.

No.1 : Can you please go to side upper?

I : (my mind was searching furiously to find an excuse)

At that time, No.1's Wife told those three words to me, which melted my heart and rationalised my brain.

No.1's Wife: "Baby may urinate"

I rushed to side upper.

Meals on Heels..

            In Tamil Nadu, Sunday means non-vegetarian. As all the families prepare non-veg on this day, the morning air is filled with 90% chicken gravy and 10% oxygen. It's smell will lift up your spirit and send you for hunting the prey.

          So week starts from Sunday in my house as well. That's when we swallow a goat or chicken and are reborn to face the ordeals of the following week. While all days are marked for leftovers, Sundays bring back the original. Planning of menu starts before 1 or 2 days. Sometimes while swallowing on this Sunday, we plan for next Sunday! Having descended from an orthodox family of devouring meat on Sundays, the mood sets in Saturday itself. Depending on the zealotry or obsession, I select the prey and menu, either chicken or mutton, Chicken leg piece or Mutton leg piece, Chicken tikka or Mutton chukka. Occasionally crab walks in or fish is caught. I go to my regular shop as he gives preference over other craving men. Like good citizens, we too talk about the goodness in vegetarian food and the deleterious impact of broilers. In the case of Fish, its freshness will lift your mood. In Chicken, the fragility and texture will please you. In mutton, One must select its body parts tastefully. Here I have a regret that we don't have much choice like Chinese who thrive on anaconda, octopus and whatnot. It is always heartening to watch your food walk and squeak. With a lot of guilt I point my finger towards the quarry. I always pray to its soul to scold me but not spoil the taste. It keeps eating up my conscience till it reaches the tongue. The moment it is brought, festive atmosphere will set in. The most annoying part is waiting for its crispy and spicy completion. Of course I don't dance around the fire like a cannibal but scroll, sit and wander around the house like a pregnant woman. The aroma draws us towards the kitchen like Jerry towards the cheese. The whole family will be on the table expecting the roasted families. When fish, chicken, crabs, eggs and mutton are served on the table, I can't control my sob. Trust me, this is the reason why people tell you to love animals.

         One thing I want to ascertain you is that we are not the descendants of Vampires or Drakulas.

             Save Plants! Eat animals!!

Difference between mother and wife ji...

Words of Wisdom Part I.

* Mother brings you to the earth.
  Wife sees you off from the earth.

* Mother will be happy to see you calling everyone as 'Mother'
  Wife won't be happy to see you calling everyone as 'Wife'.

* Mother beats you to make you a man.
  Wife beats you to make you 'Her Man'.
  Ultimately you are the target practice for both.

* Mother sees you as a delivery boy of groceries and uses for outside work.
  Wife sees you as a servant for inside job like peeling onions, garlic, washing and   cleaning. Personally   I like peeling onions as no one can tell why am I crying.

* Mother accepts you for what you are.
  Wife mends and bends you for what she thinks you are.

* Mother drives two men crazy due to experience.
  Wife is wholly devoted to drive one man crazy.

* Any mistake with mother lasts ten minutes flat.
  Any mistake with wife lasts as long as she can remember and torment you.

* Mother motivates you towards your ambition sentimentally.
  Wife pricks you in the butt to run for life.

* Our words of heat are absorbed and extinguished by mother.
  Our Words of heat ricochets off Wife with double the vigor and we are   extinguished.

* Every mother thinks that there is only one best son and she got him.
  Every wife thinks that there is only one best husband and neighbour’s wife got him.

கணவர்களின் டைரி குறிப்பு....

பெண்களின் "க்கும்" என்ற ஓசையின் அர்த்தத்தை புரிந்து கொள்வது திருக்குறளை புரிந்து கொள்வதை விட சிரமமாகத்தான் உள்ளது.

வெண்டைக்காயை ஒடித்து பார்த்து வாங்குவது பிஞ்சா அல்லது முத்தலா என தெரிந்து கொள்ள அல்ல. வீட்டில் திட்டு வாங்காமல் இருக்கவே.

தன் வீட்டில் powercut ஆனால் பக்கத்துக்கு வீட்டை பார்த்து விட்டு நிம்மதி அடைவதும் கணவனின் ஜென் நிலையே.

அரசாங்கத்தை மயக்கி தமிழ் திரைப்பட வரிவிலக்கு பெற 'மாசு'.
ரசிகர்களை மயக்கி கவர்ந்திழுக்க 'மாஸ்'.
# இவ்வளவு தான் எங்க தமில் பற்று.

பதினாறும் பெற்று பெருவாழ்வு வாழ்க ன்னு சொன்னா அந்த பதினாறுல "சிக்கன், மட்டன், காடை, கவுதாரி, மீன், நண்டு, எறா, மாடு, பன்னி, முயல், பாம்பு, பல்லி, ஒட்டகம், எலி மற்றும் மான் தான் வரும்னு நெனைக்கிறேன்.

வீட்டில் காலை டிபனாக தட்டில் ஒரு தோசைக்கு 3 சட்னி யை பார்த்தவுடன் பதறி போகிறது மனம்.
ஏன் இந்த கவனிப்பு என ?!

இது காலத்தின் மிச்சம் என மூளை உணர்த்தும் வரை.

ஜவுளிக்கடையில் நம் தோற்றத்தை விற்பனையாலனும் சேலையின் நிறத்தை மகளும், தரத்தை தாயும்,
விலையை தகப்பனும் பார்க்கிறார்கள்.

கடையில் வாங்கும் பரோட்டா, சிக்கன் குழம்புடன் தவறி வரும் ஒரு சிக்கன் பீஷின் சுவை, அடுத்த நாள் செய்யும் ஒரு கிலோ சிக்கனில் வராது. இதுவே உலக நியதி.

Airport Night Crawlers - Part 2

Die Another Day

The much despised "Second Night" doomed on me and I was ready with War paints drawn in my face. Having briefed of the horrors by me, all my kith and kin hugged and saw me off with tears. It was like sending me again to the Kargil War.

Having gone through the fire not like gold but like Thanthooori chicken, I was prepared for the worst. I decided to use my acumen & tackle the bull by its horns ! So I went fully equipped like an amazon tourist or a priest for exorcism. I carried books, Walkman, sudoku, phone games, chocolates and a bed sheet! I went by train to avoid fatigue. Meticulous planning!! I entered the airport with a battle cry to work for a year straight! 

After all this is a fight between my body and mind (Reality Vs Myth).

7-11 pm - The time Sailed like Titanic with much fanfare. No yawning too. I, being a sincere person, opened the book "Survive the Night" by Danielle Vega. It started as "We are all gonna die down here..." I closed the book.

11-01 am - Technical snag. I went to the quiet scanner room. When I sang some cinema songs, I heard them as lullabies. Hence the eclipse started. I was getting drowsy. Drank tea and coffee alternately. Started doing exercises yet it was downhill from there.

02- 04 am - Slowly every sense switched off. Zombie walk, nirvana state returned. I felt like being in an endless dream in which I was working night shift and dreaming. If there is one thing, I can feel proud of, it's my sleeping skill which I can do this with my eyes closed. It seems Modi Govt has privatised that too.

When I came out people were going to work and I was going to sleep like owls and bats. All the Government employees are martyrs. People are yet to realise this !!!

I finished a quick breakfast or dinner whatever you call it with a single ambition in life i.e to sleep. My body clock is so cracked that I am spitting nuts and springs. I don't know the date or day anymore.

Signing off with an assurance that "No more plans" or "No more cries about Night"! 

With sincere thanks to Airports Authority of India - For arranging the flights throughout the night and Chai wala- serving beverages disdainfully. With out their help, this wouldn't have been possible!

Good night.  smile emoticon

Air Port Night Crawlers... Part I

First Night...

This was the first year I remained awake for the "Maha Shiv Rathri". Not of any Nithyananda's bakthi movement but due to my customs duty. I am posted at Anna Int. Airport and it was my First Night Duty!!

I thought of catching one or two smugglers and going to sleep. But in reality, people were vacating foreign nations and returning in my shift. So It turned out to be a nightmare in broad light.

Forbidding me from drooping the eyelids for a sec is like forbidding Salman Khan from removing his shirt . I have been a "sleeper cell" with ample sleeping prowess from my childhood. My first fuse invariably goes off the grid around 9 pm. So when I stifled a yawn at 9 pm, My Supdts were shocked and enquired my physical health like "Would I need an ambulance to return?" I countered "Why sir, will the glass panels fall on my head?". He replied "May be, It always fall at the empty spots."

I could see people of 'various' sizes and colours buzzing around. I was the only zombie 'walking around'. After monitoring at the scanner for sometime, I automatically started to see everything in "Ultraviolet image".

I drank coffee and tea for water and was gliding like "Tom". In between I had to check some suspects' bags and underwares!!. These people's unwashed linens had a worse stench than unwashed toilets. I literally had to run my fingers through them. I am worried of the day, when someone will be handed over to me for extraction of gold which would be in his stomach.

Time for baby shitting?!

I tried all tricks. Loitered like a pregnant lady every where. Whacked my face. Laughed aloud. Ran on the same spot. Then I went into the office and jumped and jumped like a Penguin. Suddenly my Supdt entered laughing and told "Arey yar, this is a good idea, I try only fast walking". I washed my face and went to my colleague to know how to remain

awake. But he was snoring sitting in the chair. So I went to another one. He asked "Neendhu Aarah?" I replied "What time?" thinking it's the next flight. He stared at me and told "Go for a walk".

I slowly strolled and woke up all the passengers who were sleeping in their chairs! I talked with the security men, Air hostesses and statues. After 3 am, it was impossible. I felt totally blank and numb, bereft of any thinking or emotion. Why did Buddha waste so many years to achieve this state?

I remembered a King who used to sleep with his eyes open. I surfed to find how to get somnambulism ?

At 6 am, brain started to function a bit. It was like a year inside the Airport. 

After my Kolkata struggle, this must be the time for 'Zombie walk'.

So It's time to learn either sleepwalking or sleeping while sitting.  Till then...It's Good Night to the world and Bad Night for me.

Nirvana

Swinging personality

Customs Officer....

At 7 pm   -  Feel like a teen while entering the airport.

At 11 pm -  Feel like a man on mission while performing the duty.
At 3 am   -  Feel like a drunkard while watching the people hurrying.
At 7 am   -  Feel like a saint while leaving the airport bereft of any emotion.

No need for Sanyas, Bothi tree to attain nirvana.

Come, It only takes 12 hours to attain sainthood.

"Shocking" News

"Shocking" news...

I was in Airport Exit gate collecting Customs declaration forms which is to be submitted by all International passengers on arrival. When I collected the form from a person we both were literally electrocuted. We jumped and stared in utter disbelief. I know I am an electrifying personality but how can this happen?

Later My Boss explained that it was static electricity that a body develops during the flight. When they walk without touching any thing I.e busily abusing the dirty airport, incapability of staff etc., they carry their pride and electricity with them and discharge it on the hapless person who comes into contact. Unfortunately that was me on that day. That day I got shock four times. In white uniform Whether I look like a tube light or pole is any body's guess!? Everyone seemed to be bringing the energy and discharging it on me. I had developed a lot of positive energy. I tried collecting with my left hand, right hand and tray. Not with mouth of course. My Boss mocked "I told you to conduct good and not to be a good conductor". At the end of day, I had enough electricity to light a bulb. As I would hate people use me for a "mobile charger", I intend to go like a bomb squad detector in full suit hereafter! It happened on the next day as well. May be this is the reason why I am getting darker daily. At this rate I may soon become a 'powerful' man and start attracting people like a Magnet.

Airport Tit bits..

Airport corner

Yesterday there Was an accident in my house. Not literally.
While having dinner, absentmindedly I called "Praba, oru Idly kudu." My wife came out from the kitchen and asked "Who is Praba?" Then everything went topsy-turvy. Either I should stop calling our airport food server "Prabakaran" as "Praba" or my wife as "Praba". Well the Idly never came.

I was never good at bargaining or marketing. After commanding, advising, cajoling and pleading with the passengers to pay duty for TV in airport now I am trained enough to sell elephants to every housewife.